Our Gospel Stories: Some personal reflections on GSTHW May 2024 (Hastings)

 

For me the 22^nd -23^rd May at the Anglican General Synod / Te Hīnota Whānui (GSTHW) were two significant days.

We started the morning with an informal meeting of any attending the conference who identified themselves as rainbow, deciding to form a group on social media… and heard some snippets of the stories that were represented. There was a certain amount of thinking around “how could we be a group that could operate within the Anglican context … and have a positive input into any future discussions around sexuality. Either on this day (or at our next gathering the following day) I said my usual “for anything we hear of from others who do not want to include us… it really is a choice between love and fear.” Certainly, having a conversation with an Anglian Community of St Mark person (who was lovely) I was aware that one of the prime reasons for their formation appears to be fear – not love. For them, It’s about signing up to particular (orthodox-conservative) set of beliefs, which seem to be all about a gospel that doesn’t have much love.

On the 23^rd, we had a significant presentation (see 25 minutes in) from Fr Gregory Boyle and Steve Avalos from Homeboy Industries in Los Angeles. Fr. Greg is a Jesuit priest working with generational gang members in challenging neighbourhoods in LA, and this ministry has developed into something similar to the Fountain House (club-house) model in mental health. Fountain House fundamentals of being wanted, needed and included in everyday life, translated in the Homeboy setting to 4 key principles of:

1. Inclusion
2. Non violence
3. Unconditional loving kindness
4. Compassionate acceptance.

“Only the soul that ventilates with tenderness can save the world. This is about returning us to ourselves – no us and them, but only us.”

This was powerful and extremely moving, especially one story of a gang member (Mario) Fr. Greg took with him to a conference of Social Workers. This included a recollection of a significant moment where, for Mario, who felt he was not good enough and had nothing to offer his own children, had a figurative mirror held up by a stranger in the audience to reflect back to him what a truly beautiful person he was. It sounded like a “scales falling off the eyes” moment when someone pointed out to him in an audience of a thousand people, what he was unable to see himself: his love, gentleness, kindness and wisdom.

In the following panel discussion with Fr. Greg and Steve, Hirini Carr (Tikanga Māori) spoke of how the story of this group of people “on the edge” resonated in terms of Māori – they are similarly generationally disenfranchised, overrepresented in prison and deprivation statistics, often feeling visibly invisible (my words).

That’s when things started unravelling a bit for me.

It struck me again of how I (and so many other rainbow-people) are invisible and marginalised in church settings – intentionally and unintentionally.

For the last 30+ years I’ve always been part of Christian faith communities who are open and affirming to LGBQTI - rainbow people (some have articulated this more clearly than others!) and have taken part in Christian events like Awaken (via Diverse Church NZ). Despite all this, I’m invisible.

I need to be careful with some in the church in terms of saying who I am and where I have come from. I always think twice before revealing much about myself, even significant things like getting married to Marty last month are selectively broadcast.

I’ve been “fortunate” in not having much push back about when I’ve chosen to speak, but it still comes down to a particular crunch moment for me:

I’ve been a part of the church for over 62 years… but the essential “me” has mostly felt invisible. I have given a significant part of my life and income to the church – but I could not get married in an Anglican church building. It was so special to (in essence) have the church come to us (Bishop Kelvin, Bishop Steve and others) … but I was excluded from doing the whole ceremony in a scared space.

For me, this was (and still is at times) overwhelming, and I wonder: when will we feel totally included and loved? When will we be totally accepted and given all the rights and privileges of anyone else in the church without a “yes, but…” being involved? When will we stop having scriptures used as weapons against us… and instead being pointed to love, which is what the good news of Jesus Christ is all about? When will it be all about this love, and not about fear?

I have lots of positive faith stories for myself and others… but also am deeply sad about the past and present stories of trauma I still hear. Like the one I heard during this week of a (then) youth rep at another NZ Anglican Synod trying to stand up and add a voice of faith, reason and scripture into same sex blessing conversations at the time, only to have their chair literally taken away from the table by a senior church clergyman, who in such a cruel, heartless way was saying “you are not part of the Kingdom”.

When will we have experiences like our Homeboys brothers and sisters of being ventilated with tenderness and welcomed without restriction?

I always remember a fabulous movie “Pride” (2014), based on a true story, where a marginalised gay activist (Gay Pride) group in London felt the best way they could get anywhere was to form an alliance with another (similarly) marginalized group. They chose striking coal miners in Margaret Thatcher’s Britain. They randomly chose one small mining village in Wales that faced the closure of the local pit and set about raising money for them – no strings attached, no agenda.

What always struck me was how they became such unexpected allies after a huge amount of initial hostility and suspicion from this isolated community. It really came down to people recognising that all of us are human, made in God’s image, and what unites us is more than what divides us. In fact, once fear is dismantled and love starts to take hold, all of our stories are the same: of pain, loss and redemption. Gospel stores that shout out God’s love.

The miners ended up being a significant force in the British Labour party (who, to start with, couldn’t care a toss about gay rights) leading to the reform of legislation that marginalised and excluded the rainbow community.

After this week, I’m still left with one question:

When will the church hear and be transformed by our stories… and love us (we are them, it not them and us) as unconditionally as we are loved in Christ?

 

Andrew & Marty Wedding Extra - 6 April 2024

Some extra reminders of a fabulous day that may be harder to hear on the full version video (see below). We were so pleased to have over 50 people in person and another 40 or so on-line... thanks to our photographers (Kate and Tim on Zoom, Anson, Kelvin, Jonathan and Mark), our celebrant Gillian, Bishops Kelvin and Steve, and to all who made this such a special day.

Highlights video (less than 8 minutes):

Full version video of the service below (40 minutes):

Readings

Psalm 62

For you alone my soul waits in silence;
from the Beloved comes my salvation.
Enfolding me with strength and steadfast love,
my faith shall remain firm.

Yet, how long will fear rule my life,
holding me in its grip like a trembling child,
a dark and lonely grave?

Fear keeps me from living fully, from sharing my gifts;
it takes pleasure in imprisoning my soul.
Fear pretends to comfort, so long as it has dwelled within me;
truly, it is my enemy…

…Once you have spoken, twice I have heard:
our potential gifts belong to You; to You
O beloved, belongs our faithful love.

For you render to us all that we offer to You,
fear begets fear,
love begets love.

For you alone my soul waits in silence;
from the Beloved comes life,
love and light.

Excerpts from Psalm 62, Psalms for Praying (Nan Merril) – read by Sue Whittaker

Marriage

You were born together, and together you shall be forevermore.
You shall be together when white wings of death scatter your days.
Aye, you shall be together even in the silent memory of God.
But let there be spaces in your togetherness,
And let the winds of the heavens dance between you.
Love one another but make not a bond of love:
Let it rather be a moving sea between the shores of your souls.
Fill each other's cup but drink not from one cup.
Give one another of your bread but eat not from the same loaf.
Sing and dance together and be joyous, but let each one of you be alone,
Even as the strings of a lute are alone though they quiver with the same music.
Give your hearts, but not into each other's keeping.
For only the hand of Life can contain your hearts.
And stand together, yet not too near together:
For the pillars of the temple stand apart,
And the oak tree and the cypress grow not in each other's shadow.

Excerpt from Marriage – Chapter III by Kahlil Gibran, read by Jonathan Wood.

The Value of a Friend

⁹ Two are better than one,
Because they have a good reward for their labour.
¹⁰ For if they fall, one will lift up his companion.
But woe to him who is alone when he falls,
For he has no one to help him up.
¹¹ Again, if two lie down together, they will keep warm;
But how can one be warm alone?
¹² Though one may be overpowered by another, two can withstand him.
And a threefold cord is not quickly broken.

Ecclesiastes Chapter 4: 9-12, New KJRV, read by Scott Metcalfe

Love

⁴Love is patient and kind; it is not jealous or conceited or proud; ⁵love is not ill-mannered or selfish or irritable; love does not keep a record of wrongs; ⁶love is not happy with evil, but is happy with the truth. ⁷Love never gives up; and its faith, hope, and patience never fail.

⁸Love is eternal…. ¹³Meanwhile these three remain: faith, hope, and love; and the greatest of these is love.

I Corinthians 13: 4-8a, 13, Good News Bible, read by Scott Metcalfe

Marty and Andrews' Vows

Marty, you complete my life and I love you. Your sense of fun, deep care for those around you and friendship has captured my heart at a time when I thought such a thing was no longer possible. I want to spend the rest of my life with you. I will work to be present for you, to be loyal, not to hold onto any grudges or gripes, but find ways to resolve differences… and let go of the rest. I will look out for you, share life’s daily loads… and make time to have fun! I will always hold you in God’s presence with love.

Andrew, you are a gift to me and I love you. Your calm stability, loyalty to all those you know and love and deep wisdom have captured my heart.

I am so grateful that our lives have come together despite the odds, and I want to spend the rest of my life with you.

I will work to be present for you, to be your biggest ally and number one fan! I will endeavour to build you up and strengthen your many giftings. I will encourage you to dream new dreams and help you to pursue them. I will both respect our individuality and work hard to strengthen our togetherness. I will hold you before the universe as a loved child of God.

A Blessing

 God of all times and seasons, in your strength we make new beginnings. As you open the future to Andrew and Marty, may they know your blessing; go with them in all their living and loving; enable them to be a source of joy and blessing to each other and to all whom their lives touch.

May the mystery of God enfold you,
may the wisdom of God uphold you,
may the fragrance of God be around you,
may the brightness of God surround you,
may the wonder of God renew you,
may the loving of God flow through you,
may the peace of God deeply move you,
may the moving of God bring you peace.
(Joy Cowley)

The Lord bless you and keep you.
The Lord make his face to shine upon you
and be gracious unto you.
The Lord lift up the light of his countenance upon you
and give you peace.

Speeches at Maggies Cafe 

Andrew: 

Welcome again – I’m aware of people who are not here, especially parents who have died over the past few years as well as absent family and friends. One of the great joys was that we were able to meet each other’s parents before they passed away… apart from my dad. So… to those who have passed on, but also those who would have loved to have been here today but couldn’t make it – a toast to absent friends and whanau. Over to Marty…

Marty: 

We are so grateful for all of you being here with us today. Thanks especially to those of you who have travelled from out of town especially. We’d also like to acknowledge the Lan Yaun Gardens who were so easy to deal with and Maggies Café whom we love and is our regular Saturday haunt. A special thanks to Gillian for her superb skills at getting us hitched! She too has been amazing to work with in the lead up to today. Interestingly, the flowers that are on your tables were purchased from one of the sellers at the Farmers Market. Andrew went to get them from the farm yesterday only to discover that it’s the same business (Holy Cow) where he buys his milk, and who’s signage was the backdrop for one of our first photos taken together!

HOLY COW indeed! Who would have imagined?

How many of you have had the experience of buying a new fridge?

Early on while still dating long distance I had the joy of observing Andrew’s fridge-buying skills!

He identified the need for a new fridge (perhaps with a new vegan boyfriend possibly about to move in?) narrowed it down to two fridges fast, and put the choices to me in Auckland for what I thought. I gave feedback and within a few moments he had purchased it! WOW, I thought, he doesn't muck around!

Andrew also can be quite an early adopter on new things. He, for example, has had 3 different e-bikes already - and started using them when most of us didn’t know they were even a thing!

I, on the other hand, can take quite some time to make a decision on most things and also can take a while to groove into something new. So it may come as no surprise that Andrew decided he wanted me as his partner, pretty much with the same velocity he had of buying a fridge!

For me however I needed more time to decide and to adopt! Fr Richard Rohr is an amazingly wise sage, a Franciscan priest in New Mexico where he heads the Center for Action and Contemplation. I have really learnt a lot from his insights throughout the years. He says that:

“We do not think ourselves into new ways of living, we live ourselves into new ways of thinking.”

And so I took that approach and was able to “Try before I buy” with Andrew! This is of course was VERY different to how I was raised and what is still somewhat ingrained in me as the “right”way!! (On that note, I love the fact that we were married in the Chinese Garden, as my maternal grandfather was born and raised in China, so a little nod to him, although I suspect he may be turning in his grave today!!)

Acceptance of who I am in the context of the faith that I hold, goodbyes to past love, hellos to a new one, sadness and joy! Moving countries, jobs, cities. These have all been in the mix of the last few years of my incredible roller-coaster existence. The biggest joy of course has been how Mr Metcalfe came into my life! Thank the good lord Tinder, Grinder, Bumble were not required!! I want to acknowledge Ri Weal and Mathew Croucher, both not here today, in their inadvertent parts in bringing us together.

Thanks also to each of you in your own BIG and small ways- smiles, hugs, words, listening ears and shared tears – your love and support for ME as life evolved and turned. A special thanks to my sister Nicky and her husband Matt who have been my biggest source of support, and along with their kids have shown me much love and care.

As you will know, the gay community uses the word Pride a lot. I used to wonder why.

Although it can seem to be all about being “loud and proud” and strutting your stuff out there for all to see, it has much deeper roots than that. Pride is the opposite of shame and shame is such a common theme for many in the gay community. For so much of human history shame has ruled. Fear and shame. But LOVE wins where it is allowed to. And I’m so grateful that you are part of that and that we have been able to celebrate this love with you all today!

Finally, Andrew: thanks for your superb transferable fridge buying skills! For loving me, warts and all!! I’m so looking forward to whatever time we have left on this planet together and loving you for the wonderful, caring, wise, loyal man that you are!

I am super PROUD of you and us and now very PROUD to be your husband!


Andrew: 

I told Marty I wasn’t going to make a speech, or if I did it would be impromptu!

Yesterday after a somewhat flawed soup making effort and in the middle of other things that were not quite going right, I thought, maybe I should string some words together…

Vows and declarations on an occasion like this say it all really. I never thought I would be doing something like this today, but am so pleased and proud to have Marty with me… in a much more official way!

You may have noticed a few references to love and fear today. At any major junctures of life, this keeps coming back to me. Love is so important and is all that really matters in the face of so much that tries to frighten and dismay. And love is something that needs to be chosen day by day and hour by hour.

For any who have experienced me sermonizing in the past, you may have heard me speak about a pivotal moment in my life when I was finishing theological training in the mid-1980s. We were doing a class that was exploring some of the riches of Christian spirituality, and the leader of the group I was in took us through a guided meditation that had us imaging God… as a tree. 

She encouraged up to explore and enjoy the tree, to sink deeply into its beauty and tranquility… but I had this terrible image that suddenly assaulted me of this tree being like a huge, overpowering, smothering pine tree. It blocked out the sun, it’s needles covered and smothered everything. It dawned on me that I was being killed by this terrible tree the longer I stayed under it. Not quite where the mediation was meant to go I guess!

As the session went on, we were asked how we wanted to respond to the tree… and I realized there were only two options: let is smother me, or to cut it down. In quite a bit of distress, I decided it was either me or the tree… and I got a metaphorical axe and started to attack it. Eventually, with a shudder and a huge crash, the tree came down. Huge columns of dust and debris came flying up… and I was all alone. I thought “This is it… I’ve killed God. I have no more faith now. It’s finished”.

On reflecting afterwards, I realized my view of God was one of fear and “not being good enough”. I also saw part of this being related to messages I and others gave to me about sexuality: being gay in many Christian circles is still not OK.

But, as the dust settled, and I began to feel the sun and hear the birds… it dawned on me, that this terrible tree wasn’t God. It was what others and I had portrayed God to be: the real God was there all along, waiting to break through when fear was banished and love allowed to shine through.

That’s what today is about today for both of us… but especially me. It’s about love, and how love must always win. Why would any of us want it any other way?

Advent Greetings – 2023

 

Greetings to friends and whānau – family as Advent rolls in and Christmas beckons, another year nearly done and dusted.

Settling in and Moving Around

This year as the impact of the last few years “stay near home” dynamic has eased, we have been able to move around a bit more. We had a great start to the year with a “house swap” with my brother and sister in law (Scott and Liz) which saw us enjoy the delights of Wellington, including catching up with a few friends and ranging as far as the Wairarapa.

We had a bit of a cross over with Scott and Liz when we got back in January, and it was a great opportunity to lay my mother Alison’s ashes to rest, including a new plaque that remembered her and my sister Jenny (who died in 2012)

Not long after this we made the big shift to a new (slightly larger) property literally on the other side of the hill, where we have been gradually settling in as the year has progressed. It was a little hard for me to leave “The Carsonage” and to start again on some of the basics that make a place more liveable (wall insulation, double glazing etc), but we are starting to make some progress. It was great to be able to invite friends and family to a house blessing on March 4, and (in true Andrew style!) a brief video including this and other highlights from the first few months ensued.  

Marty began a job of 0.8 Chaplain at Dunedin Hospital in February and has been juggling this with some restorative justice work. It’s a job that has its various existential challenges, but he has also been doing a part time chaplaincy papers via Otago University, which has been helpful to reflect more deeply on this rather unique role.

Otherwise Bound

In March we enjoyed checking out the Awaken conference in Christchurch (a bi-annual gathering for LGBTQIA+ Christians) and went straight from there to Melbourne for just over a week. Truly a flying visit and a bit of a “speed dating” experience meeting with some of Marty’s friends from when he used to live there, but a great reconnection with life over the ditch.

We have also attempted to take our bikes on a few more excursions (thwarted one time by a puncture, and the next by Covid)… but I guess that’s still life right now. We got to visit Oamaru in full steam punk mode in June, a trip to Wellington and Auckland late October, where we were able to lay Marty’s parent’s ashes to rest and visit a newly completed gravestone for my father, as well as the resting place of my younger brother Carey. 

We’ve been trying to count how many visitors we have had to say at the new place… and its more than 20 people, so the extra space is well used.

Gainfully Employed

Work continues much the same as last year in many ways, with saying goodbye to two little country churches in Balfour and Middlemarch, but also enjoying some welcomes and new beginnings in various places. Our most recent visit was to the little church of St Alban the Martyr in St Bathans – a real joy to see it packed out with people enjoying the first Christmas service for 2023.

I continue to be so grateful for good health (never taken for granted), the love and friendship of Marty and of all those who we have the privilege of having in our lives in some way. In a time of political change (in NZ), of unrest and the brutality of war in other parts of the globe, I continue to be reminded that Love really is the only solution to all that seeks to tear things apart. We are planning to head back towards Scotland, England and Wales in June 2024.

 

I wish all of you the peace, joy and love of Christmas that can follow you into 2024.

Arohanui, Andrew

Hakui Meri Tapu o Owheo, sculpture by Rongomai Tawhiti Parata Taiapa (located in All Saints Church, Dunedin), transposed onto Allans Beach.

 

Good News Bad News (Luke 1: 26-45)

I’m showing my age now, with this reflection that first had an airing roughly 33 years ago and in harking back to a children’s author that I’ve always loved – Roald Dahl. I’ve been a fan since I first discovered his wicked little take offs he did in books like “Revolting Rhymes”. What I especially like about Dahl and this book (with fabulous Quentin Blake illustrations) is the way he takes very familiar stories and re-tells them with a twist. A lot of this involves a bit of a reality check, if you were to look at what would have happened if the events portrayed in the nursery rhyme really had taken place.  

For example, take Goldilocks and the three bears.  Usually when this is told, it’s engineered in such a way that we are on Goldilocks side. Will she get away from those dangerous bears – hurrah, she does! Let’s all cheer and shower her with praise…

What Dahl does is tell the story as it probably really was. He points out that it’s really a tale about a brazen little crook who breaks and enters, steals breakfasts left out to cool, smashes a precious little chair, smothers her dirty feet all over the beds... and then gets off Scot free! Dahl decides that she really deserves a stickier end than that – in his version she becomes the “just desserts” for the hungry bears…

I don’t know about you, but sometimes I think that some of our “faith stories” from the Bible could do with the Roald Dahl treatment. Especially some of the Christmas ones which we’ve heard many times and which can sit slightly awkwardly with our different understandings about how babies come to be and what seeing an angelic host might mean to (for example) a mental health professional. Doing a “Roald Dahl” on them would not only spice them up, but perhaps point out some things that we don’t usually notice.

So, here is the “straight” version of Luke 1: 26-45... and then a Roald Dahl styled alternative.

Luke 1: 26-45 (TEV)

In the sixth month the angel Gabriel was sent by God to a town in Galilee called Nazareth, to a virgin engaged to a man whose name was Joseph, of the house of David. The virgin’s name was Mary. And he came to her and said, ‘Greetings, favoured one! The Lord is with you.’ But she was much perplexed by his words and pondered what sort of greeting this might be. The angel said to her, ‘Do not be afraid, Mary, for you have found favour with God. And now, you will conceive in your womb and bear a son, and you will name him Jesus. He will be great, and will be called the Son of the Most High, and the Lord God will give to him the throne of his ancestor David. He will reign over the house of Jacob for ever, and of his kingdom there will be no end.’ Mary said to the angel, ‘How can this be, since I am a virgin?’ The angel said to her, ‘The Holy Spirit will come upon you, and the power of the Most High will overshadow you; therefore the child to be born will be holy; he will be called Son of God. And now, your relative Elizabeth in her old age has also conceived a son; and this is the sixth month for her who was said to be barren. For nothing will be impossible with God.’ Then Mary said, ‘Here am I, the servant of the Lord; let it be with me according to your word.’ Then the angel departed from her.

 

The Birth Of Jesus Announced (with apologies to Roald Dahl!)

Mused Mary sitting in her room

“What is in store for me when soon

I’ll have a man with all that means:

A life of drudge, domestic scenes”

 

While there she sat, musing her plight,

A shining angel hove in sight.

(Not quite what Mary had in mind –

A vision of the heaven kind!)

 

With golden voice so strong and clear

He said “Hail! You’re blest my dear!”

 

“Hail?” thought Mary, “He’s off his rocker –

It’s not raining  - but heck and bother,

What could he mean to call me ‘blest’

What has he seen that I have missed?”

 

“Don’t fear” said Angel, “Good news I bring

For you a baby – a little king.

The Son of God this child’s to be

His kingdom’s for eternity!”

 

Now Mary wasn’t at all slow

She sat and thought and said “I know

I’m not your high sophisticate,

But look here buddy, listen mate,

Despite those fancy words you say

I wasn’t born just yesterday!

You can’t have babies on your own

I’m unattached, still home alone!”

 

Said angel with a cheery grin

“There’s a secret -  I’ll let you in:

this child is not your average type

from parents who have got it right.

He’ll come on board when all Gods power

Will rest on you this very hour.

He’ll be God’s own and yours as well –

He’ll have the name ‘Immanuel’!

Your relly Liz is pregnant too…

There’s nothing that God cannot do!”

 

Well, what would you do if in the night

A mighty angel hove in sight

And dumps on you dilemma, pain…

A baby that you can’t explain?

Who will believe her, who will hear..

They’ll run her out of town, no fear!

 

But Mary – young and poor, alone

Says words that made herself at home

In God’s own heart – and ours as well

Listen as they weave their spell:

 

“I’m God’s servant” – her voice was clear

No trace of any selfish fear.

“Let God do it as he says

I’ll follow God for all my days”.

 

A more “liberal” interpretation of this sort of story would be to pooh-pooh it. Babies from thin air – that’s a likely one! It’s just a story that tries to turn an illegitimate, embarrassing birth into something much holier and mysterious.

 

I don’t want to take that kind of tack but instead take the approach of theologian Roald Dahl.

 

Mary doesn’t have to be the remote “plaster saint” that we’ve often grown up with. She is a very plucky young lady whose bravery could put a lot of us to shame.

 

If truth be known, she was probably around the age of 13, a poor, probably illiterate peasant girl who was regarded as a kind on “non-person” in the culture of the day – someone who was the property of men, of her father first before being passed on to a husband.

 

What this story does is show a special messenger from God making a beeline for her. Quite unheard of for a supposed “non-person”. God is saying to someone like Mary “I’ve got a special task for you!”

 

The other thing it does is show a very different reaction from Mary, a woman, than you get from a man earlier on. When her cousin’s husband Zechariah sees the angel - as reported in verse 8 – he’s petrified! Scared witless! You don’t get a sense of this from Mary.

 

Then, when explanations are attempted for Zechariah, all he wants is a sign, a miracle, before he’ll believe what he’s being told.

 

Mary shows much more poise. Her response is one of faith – even for this pretty tricky situation that has been thrust upon her, with its “Good news” being potentially “Bad News”. When she said, “may it happen as you said”, she immediately put her life at risk. An illegitimate baby meant that she couldn’t expect any man to marry her anymore – and her only probable source of future income would be life of prostitution.

 

In a strange sort of way, Mary is a very liberated person.

 

She’s liberated from the strictures of a society that said women were not of worth – this simple village girl is part of God’s bigger picture for bringing Christ into the world!

 

She’s liberated from the expectations that say God only works through middle-class middle-age males – God has business with old and young, educated and illiterate – anyone who will open themselves to the transforming power of God’s love.

 

Somehow she was able to turn a potentially dangerous, bad news scenario around into the good news it was meant to be.

 

Maybe one of the messages for us again this Christmas is that God is still able to work through the most unexpected and surprising people – there’s nothing that God cannot do, even through ordinary people like you or me! And maybe, like Mary, we might have trouble explaining what is really going on…     

 

Amen.

 

Advent Greetings 2022

Greetings to friends and whānau as another year draws to the close, the 61st year of me being on the planet. As per usual in thinking how to sum up this year, it is the usual mixture of gains and losses… but immense gratitude for a life that that can’t be taken for granted when looking at challenges others around me face. 

Settling in and Moving On 

Marty has continued to settle into life in Dunedin, and into life in the Carsonage. I’m reminded that this part of the world is a great place to live (always very mindful of this as I look back at photographs from the year), but that it is not somewhere you come if you want long, hot summers: we have settled on summer being a concept, rather than a season, and you just take each day as it comes. 

My work has remained fairly consistent, but aware that an ageing church demographic is really starting to bite, and with a few Anglican Churches celebrating 150 year anniversaries this year, the shape of things to come is very uncertain. One of my tasks at work was to put together some information on how to close a church, which is sad, but also the reality right now. 

Marty’s work has come and gone a bit, for a while he had a brief (but illustrious!) career with the Dunedin City Council in their Community Development area, but he has since moved on and is finishing training as a Restorative Justice Facilitator (associated with the court system) and also travelling towards a new hospital chaplaincy post. He continues to attempt a friendship with Aroha the cat, who is slowly warming… 

The moving on is to do with saying goodbye to the Carsonage (14 Carson Street) and literally moving across the hill to a larger house that will be easier to entertain in. I will have lived in the same house for 11 years when we shift, a record in terms of my time in any one place! 

Gain and Loss 

This year has meant saying goodbye to three parents in our household: Marty’s Mum (Gwenyth), Dad (Peter) and my mum (Alison). It has been great to have the extra connections with Whānau over the year in Auckland and Dunedin, with my younger brother travelling from Toronto and older brother and sister in law from Wellington. There have been a number of other significant people who have passed on, including a former workmate Ginny Kitchingman. 

I guess the biggest gain continues to be Marty in my life, and I’m very grateful for all that he brings. I’m a very content introvert, but it has been good having someone who is so good at connecting with people and making sure we get out and enjoy life. Over this year we have hosted lots of guests at the Carsonage and have also had a few trips away, for example up the Waitaki Valley in May and doing a few bike rides in Central Otago in November. 

New Beginnings…? 

I can recall in my days as an occupational therapist encouraging people to identify what key roles and activities we should be involved in at certain times of life. For some there will be stages where they have very active engagement in building careers, family life, particular passions and connections… and I am thinking now: “what’s next”? 

I’m very fortunate to enjoy good health and technically have a few years left in me before drawing on the pension. I am getting slightly itchy feet, but am very aware also that it not “just me” anymore – which has its challenges as well as its opportunities. 

I’m always asking about where I am now in my work and family life – can this be better? Have particular things had their day, what should the focus be now? I’m a great believer that there is always the opportunity to reinvent oneself and look forward to what this stage in life has on offer, but I’m very much keeping an open mind for all of this. For any of you who are inclined to pray, remember me (and all your friends) as the year draws to a close and new opportunities (possibly!) present themselves. 

 Arohanui, Andrew

Remembering Alison Louise Metcalfe

 

Born 23 April 1932, died 13 September 2022 in Dunedin NZ

These word were given by Alison’s remaining children (Scott, Andrew and Greg Metcalfe) at her funeral service on 20 September 2022.

Follow this link for a YouTube playlist of a slide show remembering Alison, a recording of the service and the final music she went out to (Highland Cathedral).

How do you describe or sum up someone like Alison?

It’s easy to start with a timeline, a history of being born, growing up, all the people and places that shaped her life, what she achieved… but it doesn’t really catch the essence of Alison. When a life has taken the journey it has into dementia, it can be easy to be influenced by how things have ended, the last 14 years or so, rather than all those before this.

So, perhaps the way to remember Alison is by her strengths, how she responded to an (at times) difficult life, managing to thrive with ingenuity and making the most of at times meagre resources.

Alison was a depression era child and learnt from an early age to Make Do and care for others.

She was born the second child and first daughter of Corrie Freeman and Doris Armit at Redroofs Maternity Home in Dunedin in 1932. Alison was part of a working-class family who had few possessions but were proud, faithful Christians, valuing hard work and education. They had a Brethren background, but eventually were very involved in Roslyn Baptist Church where JT Crozier was minister for many years.

Corrie was a carpenter and used to work down on the Dunedin wharves, cycling down the hill each day and pushing his bike up the hill at the end, often with a box of produce that he had picked up for a bargain (instead of buying beer or tobacco). The house they had in City Road in Roslyn was not flash, and Doris was not a natural homemaker by inclination.

Alison picked up a significant domestic load, including looking after her other siblings… but she was also taught to read at an early age (the Bible, of course!) and this included music as well. These skills became central to her life, she was always contributing to Church settings – Roslyn Baptist, Miramar Baptist, Mt Albert Baptist, Hanover Street Baptist, Anderson’s Bay Presbyterian, St Kilda Methodist and most recently Caversham Baptist. These were skills that were the last to go during her journey into dementia, often demonstrated by reading every road sign when in the car on an outing!

Her siblings (especially her two brothers) were very spirited with David (number 3 in the family) being a prankster. Alison (who tended to see less of the “joke” with these sorts of things) often being caught up in whatever was going on. Her wider family were always so important to Alison, she loved to hear about their children and will be remembered as an aunty who was always interested in what was happening with them. Her older brother, Melville died in 2022, with David dying in 1992, youngest sister Marion dying in 2020. Her sister Jean lives in Palmerston North and it is great to have her here today.

Despite a childhood that was not easy...

Alison valued education and learning… with a very practical, hands-on bent to tackling this.

After attending Kaikorai Primary School, she went on to King Edward Technical College in Stuart Street, Dunedin, and then trained as a nurse at Dunedin Hospital, graduating in 1954. After deciding to undertake further studies in obstetrics, she went to Whakatane Hospital in 1955, which included attending a newly formed Whakatane Baptist Church. There she met the Metcalfe family, including our father, Arthur.

Alison continued her studies at the Bible Training Institute (BTI) in Auckland in 1956, the same time that Arthur started at NZ Baptist Theological College to train for the Baptist Ministry. In those days there was no entertaining marriage before a trainee minister finished their course… so a long engagement ensued. In January 1960, Arthur (Dad) and Alison (Mum) were married at Roslyn Baptist in Dunedin, before heading to their first church, a brand-new venture in Glen Eden, Auckland, with 15 members, a church hall and rickety old house for a manse set in an orchard.

What followed was a time of Mum being part of…

Building a family, ministry, music and hospitality.

In Auckland, a rapidly growing suburb in the middle of the baby boom meant three children also born into the Manse (Scott, me and Jenny), shifting existing buildings over the road to a new site, continual church extensions while coping with people who wanted to attend by pitching large tents to hold services before buildings were completed.

Mum had always been good at making clothes (for years a variety of sewing machines were put to good use for herself and the whānau) but cooking was not her forté, nor Dad’s. Mum’s mother-in-law, Margaret (Jean) Metcalfe helped teach her the basics, and hospitality was very much a part of life at Glen Eden as well as other churches that followed (Miramar in Wellington and Mt Albert in Auckland). Mum described times in Mt Albert where a minimum of 12 people were at the dinner table at least three times a week, with many people (often with complex life histories and needs) staying in the manse guest room in all the churches they worked in. Mum was a charming vivacious hostess, bringing out the best tableware and making everyone feel welcome at weekly Sunday dinners as a special occasion…

She was very involved in all aspects of Church life, including supporting Baptist Missionaries (something she continued when her own resources were meagre) and actively playing the piano and organ at church services. The pipe organ (after earlier playing electronic versions) became a passion later in life: for many years she went to organ lessons in Dunedin at St Paul’s Cathedral: she loved going to the odd Evensong and organ performance at St Paul’s. Mum was well known as a competent sight-reading musician. Singing – usually alto, harmonising and improvising – was a part of being in the pews at church. She also sang in choirs such as the Scholar Cantorum - Dunedin City Choir, and other church-based choirs.

Hers was a life of service that had significant challenges and difficulties. You could say that Mum was …

Tested in Life and Faith on many fronts.

An early testing time was when Jenny was born in 1965, with the family advised to put Jenny into institutionalised care (as was then viewed as best practice for a child  born with Down Syndrome). Mum and Dad brought Jenny home to the Glen Eden manse with initial support of Dad’s parents, figuring that Jenny was better to have the love of a family, rather than institutional life. We are so grateful for our parents making this decision that was ahead of that time, and acknowledging other children were not so fortunate. Jenny was lovable, loved, and loving, being “special” in the best sense of that word.

But it was not plain sailing for anyone, primarily for Mum, who lived with and cared for Jenny for almost 45 years… and it didn’t get easier when the family shifted to Wellington in 1965, with fourth child, Carey (born in 1967) catching bacterial meningitis at 11 months and becoming critically ill. Mum’s mother, Doris came up to lend a hand, but travelled on the ill-fated Wahine, which went down at the entrance to Wellington harbour. Grandma survived, but after four months Carey died… which put an enormous strain on the family who were expected to keep up church commitments with variable support and understanding. The youngest child, brother Greg, was born in 1969 and completed the Metcalfe whānau.

A shift to a new church in Auckland at the start of 1974 saw another home (this time a renovated villa with a section that needed Mum to break in)… a busy church, but with congregational undercurrents starting to show, and cracks in the relationship between  Dad and Mum that ended in a separation early in 1976, when the children were aged 15, 13, 10 and 5. This resulted in Mum becoming homeless and eventually returning to Dunedin, with the younger family members Andrew, Jenny and Greg. Scott moved to Wellington at Dad’s prompting, who had become a prison chaplain at Mt Crawford.

This was an incredibly hard move for Mum, and for us as well. From being in a church--provided house and with a pivotal role in ministry, 1976-7 saw five different living places, moving the young family around Auckland and then onto Dunedin, starting in a tiny flat under her mother’s home in City Road. The family situation must have been seen as serious enough for Mum to be given the keys to a brand-new Housing Corporation home in Mulford Street, Concord… and yet it was another place barely finished, lacking insultation, floor coverings, curtains and possessing a clay-like section that went from bog to concrete in quick succession, with faulty plumbing forming a covert lake of grey waste water under the house, which was why the house was unreasonably damp and cold until it got sorted. Mum set to with her typical determination, breaking in the section (with some help from friends at Hanover Street Baptist), laying carpet tiles and vinyl flooring offcuts, making curtains… all the time trying to cope with being a solo parent with two young children and a teenager on very limited income.

Despite all this, Mum continued to remain generous and hospitable, always caring for the needs of others first with a determination to just get on with it all… making good use of a strong, stubborn streak in her family genes. Dunedin was the place where her mother Doris, beloved Aunty Jean and other family members lived, and being close to them was an important part of life, especially as some came to the end of their days. Mum did Karitane Nurse training in the mid-1970s and was thinking about a return to the paid workforce, but she decided that her family came first, and she wanted to care for them.

It's something that all of us children have been very mindful of: the sacrifices she made for us, and we have tried to help out over the years in many ways… but through thrift and determination, Mum moved into her own home in March 1990 with Jenny, living here for over 23 years until she sadly needed dementia care from January 2014.

Mum was someone who had an active retirement.

She was a great walker, and even as dementia set in, she was able to race up flights of stairs faster than many a fraction of her age, often walking for miles in her St Kilda – St Clair neighbourhoods. She continued to welcome loved family and grandchildren to visit, which would often involve excursions in the great outdoors in the Dunedin area, as well as art galleries and museums. She continued to play the organ for various faith communities until she settled in Caversham Baptist. She would always dress beautifully (she loved to look good – but always on a budget) and kept her home meticulously clean.

Mum never had a lot of possessions, making do with what she had and at times, recovering lounge suites and renovating household items to keep them going. Family pictures sometimes show one particular cane--sided lounge suite which had around three upholstery reincarnations in its lifetime of over 50 years… and the suite remained in her home at Victoria Road after this was sold. Mum was terrible with technology, especially in later years when TV remote controls defeated her: she never used an ATM, a computer, or mobile phone. The opposite to Dad who used to push the boundaries with gadgets, including keeping in touch with her by radio telephone when out and about doing his church work.

Diagnosed formally with dementia at the end of 2008, the family kept a closer eye on her (and Jenny, who was still at home), with Jenny moving into supported accommodation in 2009 and then hospital level care until her death in 2012. Prior to this, Mum’s wider travel excursions were always connected with whānau: after her first overseas visit to Australia in the early 1970s, she visited Greg in London in 1997 and Tokyo in 2001, going as far as Scotland in the latter visit to spend time with Andrew. In 1991, a highlight for Mum was travelling to Minneapolis-St Paul in the USA, to support Jenny as a talented gymnast winning several events  in the International Special Olympics. In November 2004, Mum travelled to Hawaii to celebrate Greg and Mayumi’s wedding. Mum’s last overseas visit was in 2006 to visit Greg and Mayumi and Mayumi’s family in Japan.

Mum was someone who was never idle (again, a family characteristic), with her days including completing the ODT crossword with her sister Marion (by phone), looking after her house and garden, singing in the Schola Cantorum - Dunedin City Choir, corresponding with many friends and relatives, reading and watching TV, and always actively attending church.

As her world started to get smaller and life became more of a struggle, Mum was a very reluctant recipient of support packages, remaining fiercely independent and (somewhat unsuccessfully) trying to convince everyone she was OK. She resisted – but eventually enjoyed – the services of the Gibson Day Unit at Dunedin Hospital, a similar pattern emerging when she went to Thornbury House in 2014. This did give a new lease of life – we realised how lonely and isolated she had become, and this gave her a whole host of new friends… and (for a while) being the ‘Queen Bee’ as the most cognitively intact person there to start with. She had rejected the notion of taking any of her beloved sheet music with her, but Thornbury discovered that she could still belt out tunes on the piano, which she did much to the enjoyment of others. One of the staff there called her “chuckles” due to her tendency to respond to what was going on around her with laughter – a bit different to how some of us remember a sometimes serious and intense person, but many of the old inhibitions had started to loosen.

The then manager said that at times when Mum sidled into her office on the pretense of some idle chatter, she’d eye up some boxes of chocolate on a top shelf in the room and enquire if she could possibly have one or two?!  Her sweet tooth was something that never left her…

And so to the final journey…

Mum’s last home was at St Andrew’s Home and Hospital, Dunedin, where she went in February 2016, following a dip in her health that saw her no longer able to walk and needing hospital -level care. Although dementia continued to take its course, she continued to interact with people (… including those appearing on the TV!) and enjoying singing and music: mum was still able to sing along with videos of favourite hymns on her TV until the past few years. She loved having visitors, especially younger people and children.

Mum has defied us all: at times when we thought she may be moving into the last stages of life, she has rallied, calling on all the strength of her long-life family genes. It has been hard for us, her family, to see her gradual decline and the loss of so many things that were important to her. But, along with many others who have been on this kind of journey with loved ones, we know that she still lives on. Not just because of her strong Christian faith and knowledge that she continues to be held in God’s love, even in death, but a part of her in all her brothers and sisters, nieces and nephews, children, grandchildren, and great-grandchild, who she has loved, given herself so generously to, consoled and forgiven: her life and faith have become part of who we all are.

A comment she made when talking about going on a series of challenging overnight tramps with Hanover Street friends in 2003, said that for her :

“The best part of these tramps was the isolation and withdrawing from “society” and enjoying having no radio, TV, telephone or other mod cons and appreciating having lots of fun and fellowship as we walked and talked. I’m so glad to have had these good times…”

Graham Fawcett, one of the (then) younger people who came into Mum’s orbit when she was at Hanover Street Baptist, sent the follow recollection which sums up Mum:

“One memory I have of your mum - at one of the many Sunday lunches I was invited to I mentioned an organ piece I’d liked - I can’t remember the name - some famous musicians fugue or some such… Well, she asked the ‘official’ church organist if it might be ok to play that particular piece one Sunday before the service began, and boy did she play it. Her feet were going every which way but loose. It’s the things that she did that often go unnoticed that made so many people feel special. I know that her memory (deserted) her (in later years)…but there are many people who will remember her for a long time”

Mum, you were and are a thankful, clever, gentle, caring, grateful, loyal person of love and music who worked hard to make your world a better place, and succeeded.

Rest in peace Alison, safe in the arms of Christ who you loved and who continues to love you…