Remembering Jennifer Jane Metcalfe

Our sister Jenny died on 18 October 2012, aged 47.

Born in Auckland in 1965, she lived most of her life in Dunedin and, despite the very different expectations for children with intellectual disabilities when she was born, became very much part of the life of her family and the wider community around her.

Jenny was sociable, affectionate and determined, with a wonderful sense of humour and a great love of people, music and singing. Her Christian faith was a simple but important part of her life. She was also an accomplished Special Olympics gymnast, representing New Zealand at the 1991 International Special Olympics in Minneapolis–St Paul, where she won two gold and two silver medals.

In her later years Jenny’s health declined with the early onset of dementia and increasingly frequent seizures, but that is not how I chiefly remember her. I remember her warmth, her mischievous humour, her determination, her enjoyment of life and, perhaps above all, the uncomplicated way she welcomed and accepted people.

At Jenny’s funeral on 24 October 2012, my brothers and I gave the following family tribute. Reading it again all these years later, it still captures something of the sister we knew and loved.

Family Tribute

When we three brothers of Jenny were sorting through her Father’s belongings around the time of his funeral just over two weeks ago, we discovered a bound edition of old church newsletters from Glen Eden Baptist where he was minister from 1960 to 1965. The page was dated around March 1965 and told the congregation that tragically Jenny had been born a “mental defective” and would not be able to join her brothers Scott and Andrew at the Manse, but instead would require institutional care. Our uncle, Hugh Densom, was superintendent at Kingseat Hospital in Auckland, and plans were made to provide for her there. Scott and Andrew can recall Jenny being with us from her birth, and my mother says that they brought her back after a friend said to her “why don’t you take Jenny home with you and see how it goes?” None of the experts had suggested that, but our parents thought “let’s try it”.

From day one they were determined that Jenny was going to be an ordinary member of the family and that she was not going to be treated any differently to the rest of us. Our mother spent many hours working with Jenny on the basics of walking and talking… the former one being very successful when Jenny used her new ambulatory skills to great effect in numerous escape attempts. In Miramar she would often be brought back by people who knew her and had seen her heading up the road at great speed. In the end, Jenny-proof locks had to be installed to curtail these unwanted pilgrimages.

As children we would take Jenny with us in our excursions to the local playground, often having to deal with the taunts of other kinds when they sussed out there was something “different” about her. We were her fierce protectors and determined that she would find and have a place in her world just like anyone else. It often took at lot of encouragement as Jenny was not keen on water, unpredictable dogs and walking up steps or on escalators! Jenny was closer in age to Greg and family photos often show them playing together and taking care of each other.

Jenny certainly did make her own place in the world and was able to bring a ray of sunshine to everyone that she met in her 47 years on earth. She was a really beautiful person – early pictures of her show how pretty she was, but her beauty ran much deeper than this. Hers was a quiet, gentle loyalty with a glint in her eye at times. She loved her wider family and friends passionately and was always pleased to see them. Her closest family member was probably her mother Alison, who Jenny lived with for over 44 years and who continued to encourage her to stay active mentally and physically. She also really loved her dad and nothing pleased her more than her trips to Wellington to see him and his family there. There were no family favourites for Jenny – she would always greet every one of us with joy and enthusiasm.

Andrew can recall in 2007 when Jenny spent around 3 weeks with him in Scotland. It was then he noticed that she was not as sharp as she was and was becoming less sure of foot, similar to how she was as a child. But we have video footage of her trotting along a wooded path somewhere in the depth of Perthshire in the gentle rain and bursting into song “I’m singing in the rain, singing in the rain, what a wonderful feeling I’m hap, hap, happy again!” Also, one of the tour stops involved staying a night in a real life “castle” tower (operating as a bed and breakfast) where Jenny loved the secret passages and hidden doors that made it feel very atmospheric. Coming up the stairs not long after they had settled in Andrew heard a strange eerie wailing noise… like someone in terrible distress. As he raced up to see what was going on – it was only Jenny, deciding that she would make a ghostly noise as appropriate for the setting – after all, this castle was bound to be haunted!

In the holiday record of this trip, Andrew wrote the following comments about Jenny at large:

·  If given a choice, always ask for the double bed

·  Always make the bed before I leave

·  Never say no to a sweet or dessert, even if I am full

·  Always have a nap in the car on the way, even if Andrew is trying to get me to look at something interesting

·  Take at least 15 minutes for a toilet stop—it’s good for Andrew to wait

·  Turn off every light when you leave, even if it’s a public loo and others are in darkness

·  Always say “yes” to doing something more and going further—even in the pouring rain!

·  Always smile for the camera

·  Keep saying how much I’m enjoying my holiday

That about sums up Jenny: she was clever. she always pulled her weight, loved to sing, was happy and appreciative, loved her food… and would always make sure she got whatever treat was going! From the beginning Jenny gave so much. She was warm, kind, made friends and she accepted everyone without favour or condition. Jenny made the world a warmer place, and we will miss her kindness, her determination, her strength and her love. 

Jenny embodied the words of Christ to his disciples when he said “unless you can become like one of these (children) you cannot enter the kingdom of heaven”. Or, in the words of Jenny’s favourite hymn, patiently taught to her by our parents (and performed by her at the end of the main video above): “little ones to him belong, they are weak, but he is strong”. 

Jenny is at rest, and safe in the arms of Jesus.

Andrew Metcalfe, 24^th October 2012

 

Advent Greetings 2025

 

Advent Greetings – 2025

Greetings to friends and whānau (family) at the start of the (new) Christian year. 2025 has brought its usual mix of gains and losses, but we are still making the most of opportunities individually and together. 

Marty’s and Andrew’s Year

A momentous decision this year was for Marty to leave the Dunedin Hospital Chaplaincy and move more seriously into the Master of Counselling Course (Narrative Therapy). This included taking on first semester papers full time with a routine of studying at a distance (including “going to work” at the University of Otago Library study spaces… and trying to beat other keen students to the best seats!). It also included travelling up to the Waikato four times during the year. The rest of the year has been a mix of some Restorative Justice clients, back to part time with the master’s and picking up some research assistant hours at the Social and Behavioural Research Unit at the University of Otago School of Social and Preventive Medicine. This has involved some fascinating “hands on” research looking at long term cancer survivor plans (or lack of) and then a study on younger men’s mental health and spirituality. The cancer work connected to Marty’s own cancer story (40 years this November since he was diagnosed with Hodgkins Lymphona) but also opened connections with the Cancer Service at Dunedin hospital, creating an opportunity for a clinical placement there in 2026.

Andrew has continued his role as Registrar of the Diocese of Dunedin, with a new bishop (the Rt. Rev’d Anne van Gend) being installed at the end of March. It seems that there is no “easy way in” to these kinds of roles even though Anne was working previously as Ministry Educator. Andrew has taken on a few more “ministry administration” tasks over the year, such as organising and running the technology for monthly on-line services (the Scattered People of the Good Shepherd), weekly Nourishing Faith resource sharing and pulling together seasonal resources for the church year. In the office two temporary (1-year fixed term) posts have been recruited to around Property and Administration Support. Only 13 months to go until the pension kicks in, but Andrew is still a little unsure of what his work future will be like. One technological shift for both Andrew and Marty has been the judicious use of Artificial Intelligence – it certainly does help deal with more mundane tasks, as long as the outputs are watched like a hawk.

Hellos and Goodbyes

We’ve continued to entertain guests over the year, including Marty’s nephew Isaac and his new wife Alex (Perth), Sergio (Auckland), Sherrill and Craig (Auckland), Margie (Palmerston North), and Mike (Christchurch), with Paul Woodward (Nelson) staying for a bit over the summer holiday period. In April we celebrated one year of married life, reflecting that a lot seemed to have been packed into that time. 

This year we have farewelled Marty’s Aunt Sheila Pritchard (Auckland), Tonya Justice, Kim Clifton, Eleanor Doig (all based in Dunedin). We’ve also welcomed Marty’s niece Kate (and Tim’s) first child Orchard as well as Kristen and Nicholai’s daughter Isla.

The Keep @ 13 McGeorge Avenue

A quieter year around the house, but we did some kitchen repairs and after receiving a quote for more painting, Marty purchased a sander, rolled his sleeves up and got into painting internal window trims. Late October saw some serious wind damage around Dunedin: we thought we had escaped it (apart from the garden shed being damaged beyond repair), but unbeknown to us, tiles had slipped from the roof and water was pouring into the spare bedroom. This is when insurance is handy, and the damage is (mostly) sorted now. As December approaches, the garden has moved up a gear with the joy of Veges, flowers and the work of weeds!

Out and About in Our World

After our holiday in February, we took a few days off in winter to explore further around Kurow, Omarama, Waimate, Lake Tekapo… and promptly were struck down with a virus (Covid) in on our return! A better trip was around Marty’s birthday where we based ourselves in Roxburgh  and did a few e-bike stretches on the Otago Gold and Clutha River trails. It’s great to have the bikes not only for commuting to work but for the on the spur of the moment local adventures, especially around the Otago Harbour and Peninsula. Mike and Sergio visiting in September was the perfect excuse to see Jesus Christ Superstar at the Regent… 50 years since Andrew saw a travelling Australian version in 1975.

In all the enjoyment we continue to have in our environments, we continue (with many in the world) to be in states of despair around what is happening in Israel and Gaza, Russia and Ukraine alongside the lack of progress in tackling climate change. It feels like we are “going backwards” in New Zealand in many important areas, especially in protecting our environment and upholding Te Tiriti O Waitangi. We have tried to find ways to respond to this: by our own targeted giving, changing banks (for Andrew) away from ANZ to a New Zealand based alternative less invested in fossil fuels… and continuing to be in sacred spaces of prayer that include actively “remembering” our world.

Take care as 2025 rolls into another year of opportunity and change.

Arohanui - Andrew and Marty

Advent Greetings - 2024

 

Greetings to friends and whānau (family) at the start of the (new) Christian year. A first for this letter is an attempt at a joint message from Marty and Andrew… probably appropriate as this last year marked our wedding on 6 April at Lan Yuan Dunedin Chinese Garden.  

It’s Official!

We had been talking off and on about the whole marriage thing, with Andrew having some ambivalence, mainly due to how all of this relates within a Christian faith context. In an Anglican setting in NZ, blessings of a marriage can take place at the discretion of a Bishop, but not marriage per se… and for someone who has been part of Christian faith communities for all his life, that is a difficult situation to reconcile to. Andrew had also not wanted to put any pressure onto Marty (previously married) by asking to go down this route. But, on 17 February this year, Marty popped the question… and of course Andrew said yes! No extensive planning for this one – rings and outfits were sorted in about a week, with a venue decided upon that was easy to use wet or fine. It was wonderful on Saturday 6 April to have an old friend of Andrew’s, Gillian Townsley, perform the ceremony, and to have two Bishops (former Bishop of Dunedin Kelvin, and current one Steve) be part of blessing this. As some noticed, we couldn’t do this in a church, but the Church came to us. A great occasion to enjoy with friends and whānau.

Hospitality

We have had less going on at our home “The Keep” this year… but did tackle staining the fences over “summer” (always a concept here rather than a season) and had some external painting following retro-double glazing last year. We’ve had a number of visitors stay this year including: Andrew’s brother Greg and sister-in-law Mayumi, Daniel and Lisa from Canada; Helen and Kerry, Phil and Hilde from Melbourne; Kate from Auckland; Anson from Melbourne; Brian from Te Anau; Kaaren and Jeph; Scott and Liz (Andrew’s brother and sister-in-law from Wellington); Seb from Victoria; Rangimoana from Wellington; … and Helen and Rob (Marty’s sister and brother-in-law) from Auckland.

An Overseas Jaunt

Rather than endure the start of winter in Dunedin, we took off for 4 weeks over June and July to visit Scotland, Wales, England, Paris and Barcelona. For Andrew, this was the first visit back to Scotland since 2015 (with the pandemic scuttling plans to do this in 2020) and although Marty had been there in his early 20’s on a working holiday, this was really the first time he had looked around a bit more. We did a circuit of Glasgow (including catch up with friends) to Oban (saying with Sarah, Claire and Florence), a brief visit to the Isle of Iona to see Caro, up to Elgin courtesy of Ian and staying with him and Peter in their fabulous guest house, a brief stop in Aberdeen (catching up with Stuart and Robert), off to Dundee to stay with Dawn in Longforgan and catch up with other friends there, then onto Edinburgh staying with Dean and William. A flight to Cardiff meant staying and catching up with Marty's friend Justine and then onto London to connect with yet more friends. The trip was rounded off by a train journey to Paris (just before the Olympics) and then another to fabulous Barcelona… where the Sagrada Familia Basilica and other fantastic art - culture was a real highlight. 

We particularly enjoyed our last day leisurely wandering about the Fundació Joan Miró. In a way it was a slightly delayed honeymoon: we count ourselves very fortunate to be able to do something like this especially in a world where life for so many is so hard. 

Life and Work

Marty has continued to work as an Ecumenical Chaplain at Dunedin Hospital, where this year has seen some nice connections consolidate with staff and patients in many areas. He has continued to do Restorative Justice through Anglican Family Care, but with this year being a little quieter for this. He completed one paper (subject) on Conflict Resolution at Waikato University, and has been accepted into their four year part time master’s programme in Narrative Therapy. 

Andrew continues to work as the Registrar for the Diocese of Dunedin, with this year including three Synod-Electoral College occasions, the last being held in November to elect the 11^th Bishop of Dunedin, as +Steve Benford finished in this role in May.

We begin the New Year with love and prayers for all those who are important in our lives: it is really hard to comprehend the terror and uncertainly that continues to be a part of the lives of so many in the world, but by continuing to love all those around us we know that we continue to say, “there is another way”.

 

Arohanui - Andrew and Marty 

Our Gospel Stories: Some personal reflections on GSTHW May 2024 (Hastings)

 

For me the 22^nd -23^rd May at the Anglican General Synod / Te Hīnota Whānui (GSTHW) were two significant days.

We started the morning with an informal meeting of any attending the conference who identified themselves as rainbow, deciding to form a group on social media… and heard some snippets of the stories that were represented. There was a certain amount of thinking around “how could we be a group that could operate within the Anglican context … and have a positive input into any future discussions around sexuality. Either on this day (or at our next gathering the following day) I said my usual “for anything we hear of from others who do not want to include us… it really is a choice between love and fear.” Certainly, having a conversation with an Anglian Community of St Mark person (who was lovely) I was aware that one of the prime reasons for their formation appears to be fear – not love. For them, It’s about signing up to particular (orthodox-conservative) set of beliefs, which seem to be all about a gospel that doesn’t have much love.

On the 23^rd, we had a significant presentation (see 25 minutes in) from Fr Gregory Boyle and Steve Avalos from Homeboy Industries in Los Angeles. Fr. Greg is a Jesuit priest working with generational gang members in challenging neighbourhoods in LA, and this ministry has developed into something similar to the Fountain House (club-house) model in mental health. Fountain House fundamentals of being wanted, needed and included in everyday life, translated in the Homeboy setting to 4 key principles of:

1. Inclusion
2. Non violence
3. Unconditional loving kindness
4. Compassionate acceptance.

“Only the soul that ventilates with tenderness can save the world. This is about returning us to ourselves – no us and them, but only us.”

This was powerful and extremely moving, especially one story of a gang member (Mario) Fr. Greg took with him to a conference of Social Workers. This included a recollection of a significant moment where, for Mario, who felt he was not good enough and had nothing to offer his own children, had a figurative mirror held up by a stranger in the audience to reflect back to him what a truly beautiful person he was. It sounded like a “scales falling off the eyes” moment when someone pointed out to him in an audience of a thousand people, what he was unable to see himself: his love, gentleness, kindness and wisdom.

In the following panel discussion with Fr. Greg and Steve, Hirini Carr (Tikanga Māori) spoke of how the story of this group of people “on the edge” resonated in terms of Māori – they are similarly generationally disenfranchised, overrepresented in prison and deprivation statistics, often feeling visibly invisible (my words).

That’s when things started unravelling a bit for me.

It struck me again of how I (and so many other rainbow-people) are invisible and marginalised in church settings – intentionally and unintentionally.

For the last 30+ years I’ve always been part of Christian faith communities who are open and affirming to LGBQTI - rainbow people (some have articulated this more clearly than others!) and have taken part in Christian events like Awaken (via Diverse Church NZ). Despite all this, I’m invisible.

I need to be careful with some in the church in terms of saying who I am and where I have come from. I always think twice before revealing much about myself, even significant things like getting married to Marty last month are selectively broadcast.

I’ve been “fortunate” in not having much push back about when I’ve chosen to speak, but it still comes down to a particular crunch moment for me:

I’ve been a part of the church for over 62 years… but the essential “me” has mostly felt invisible. I have given a significant part of my life and income to the church – but I could not get married in an Anglican church building. It was so special to (in essence) have the church come to us (Bishop Kelvin, Bishop Steve and others) … but I was excluded from doing the whole ceremony in a scared space.

For me, this was (and still is at times) overwhelming, and I wonder: when will we feel totally included and loved? When will we be totally accepted and given all the rights and privileges of anyone else in the church without a “yes, but…” being involved? When will we stop having scriptures used as weapons against us… and instead being pointed to love, which is what the good news of Jesus Christ is all about? When will it be all about this love, and not about fear?

I have lots of positive faith stories for myself and others… but also am deeply sad about the past and present stories of trauma I still hear. Like the one I heard during this week of a (then) youth rep at another NZ Anglican Synod trying to stand up and add a voice of faith, reason and scripture into same sex blessing conversations at the time, only to have their chair literally taken away from the table by a senior church clergyman, who in such a cruel, heartless way was saying “you are not part of the Kingdom”.

When will we have experiences like our Homeboys brothers and sisters of being ventilated with tenderness and welcomed without restriction?

I always remember a fabulous movie “Pride” (2014), based on a true story, where a marginalised gay activist (Gay Pride) group in London felt the best way they could get anywhere was to form an alliance with another (similarly) marginalized group. They chose striking coal miners in Margaret Thatcher’s Britain. They randomly chose one small mining village in Wales that faced the closure of the local pit and set about raising money for them – no strings attached, no agenda.

What always struck me was how they became such unexpected allies after a huge amount of initial hostility and suspicion from this isolated community. It really came down to people recognising that all of us are human, made in God’s image, and what unites us is more than what divides us. In fact, once fear is dismantled and love starts to take hold, all of our stories are the same: of pain, loss and redemption. Gospel stores that shout out God’s love.

The miners ended up being a significant force in the British Labour party (who, to start with, couldn’t care a toss about gay rights) leading to the reform of legislation that marginalised and excluded the rainbow community.

After this week, I’m still left with one question:

When will the church hear and be transformed by our stories… and love us (we are them, it not them and us) as unconditionally as we are loved in Christ?

 

Andrew & Marty Wedding Extra - 6 April 2024

Some extra reminders of a fabulous day that may be harder to hear on the full version video (see below). We were so pleased to have over 50 people in person and another 40 or so on-line... thanks to our photographers (Kate and Tim on Zoom, Anson, Kelvin, Jonathan and Mark), our celebrant Gillian, Bishops Kelvin and Steve, and to all who made this such a special day.

Highlights video (less than 8 minutes):

Full version video of the service below (40 minutes):

Readings

Psalm 62

For you alone my soul waits in silence;
from the Beloved comes my salvation.
Enfolding me with strength and steadfast love,
my faith shall remain firm.

Yet, how long will fear rule my life,
holding me in its grip like a trembling child,
a dark and lonely grave?

Fear keeps me from living fully, from sharing my gifts;
it takes pleasure in imprisoning my soul.
Fear pretends to comfort, so long as it has dwelled within me;
truly, it is my enemy…

…Once you have spoken, twice I have heard:
our potential gifts belong to You; to You
O beloved, belongs our faithful love.

For you render to us all that we offer to You,
fear begets fear,
love begets love.

For you alone my soul waits in silence;
from the Beloved comes life,
love and light.

Excerpts from Psalm 62, Psalms for Praying (Nan Merril) – read by Sue Whittaker

Marriage

You were born together, and together you shall be forevermore.
You shall be together when white wings of death scatter your days.
Aye, you shall be together even in the silent memory of God.
But let there be spaces in your togetherness,
And let the winds of the heavens dance between you.
Love one another but make not a bond of love:
Let it rather be a moving sea between the shores of your souls.
Fill each other's cup but drink not from one cup.
Give one another of your bread but eat not from the same loaf.
Sing and dance together and be joyous, but let each one of you be alone,
Even as the strings of a lute are alone though they quiver with the same music.
Give your hearts, but not into each other's keeping.
For only the hand of Life can contain your hearts.
And stand together, yet not too near together:
For the pillars of the temple stand apart,
And the oak tree and the cypress grow not in each other's shadow.

Excerpt from Marriage – Chapter III by Kahlil Gibran, read by Jonathan Wood.

The Value of a Friend

⁹ Two are better than one,
Because they have a good reward for their labour.
¹⁰ For if they fall, one will lift up his companion.
But woe to him who is alone when he falls,
For he has no one to help him up.
¹¹ Again, if two lie down together, they will keep warm;
But how can one be warm alone?
¹² Though one may be overpowered by another, two can withstand him.
And a threefold cord is not quickly broken.

Ecclesiastes Chapter 4: 9-12, New KJRV, read by Scott Metcalfe

Love

⁴Love is patient and kind; it is not jealous or conceited or proud; ⁵love is not ill-mannered or selfish or irritable; love does not keep a record of wrongs; ⁶love is not happy with evil, but is happy with the truth. ⁷Love never gives up; and its faith, hope, and patience never fail.

⁸Love is eternal…. ¹³Meanwhile these three remain: faith, hope, and love; and the greatest of these is love.

I Corinthians 13: 4-8a, 13, Good News Bible, read by Scott Metcalfe

Marty and Andrews' Vows

Marty, you complete my life and I love you. Your sense of fun, deep care for those around you and friendship has captured my heart at a time when I thought such a thing was no longer possible. I want to spend the rest of my life with you. I will work to be present for you, to be loyal, not to hold onto any grudges or gripes, but find ways to resolve differences… and let go of the rest. I will look out for you, share life’s daily loads… and make time to have fun! I will always hold you in God’s presence with love.

Andrew, you are a gift to me and I love you. Your calm stability, loyalty to all those you know and love and deep wisdom have captured my heart.

I am so grateful that our lives have come together despite the odds, and I want to spend the rest of my life with you.

I will work to be present for you, to be your biggest ally and number one fan! I will endeavour to build you up and strengthen your many giftings. I will encourage you to dream new dreams and help you to pursue them. I will both respect our individuality and work hard to strengthen our togetherness. I will hold you before the universe as a loved child of God.

A Blessing

 God of all times and seasons, in your strength we make new beginnings. As you open the future to Andrew and Marty, may they know your blessing; go with them in all their living and loving; enable them to be a source of joy and blessing to each other and to all whom their lives touch.

May the mystery of God enfold you,
may the wisdom of God uphold you,
may the fragrance of God be around you,
may the brightness of God surround you,
may the wonder of God renew you,
may the loving of God flow through you,
may the peace of God deeply move you,
may the moving of God bring you peace.
(Joy Cowley)

The Lord bless you and keep you.
The Lord make his face to shine upon you
and be gracious unto you.
The Lord lift up the light of his countenance upon you
and give you peace.

Speeches at Maggies Cafe 

Andrew: 

Welcome again – I’m aware of people who are not here, especially parents who have died over the past few years as well as absent family and friends. One of the great joys was that we were able to meet each other’s parents before they passed away… apart from my dad. So… to those who have passed on, but also those who would have loved to have been here today but couldn’t make it – a toast to absent friends and whanau. Over to Marty…

Marty: 

We are so grateful for all of you being here with us today. Thanks especially to those of you who have travelled from out of town especially. We’d also like to acknowledge the Lan Yaun Gardens who were so easy to deal with and Maggies Café whom we love and is our regular Saturday haunt. A special thanks to Gillian for her superb skills at getting us hitched! She too has been amazing to work with in the lead up to today. Interestingly, the flowers that are on your tables were purchased from one of the sellers at the Farmers Market. Andrew went to get them from the farm yesterday only to discover that it’s the same business (Holy Cow) where he buys his milk, and who’s signage was the backdrop for one of our first photos taken together!

HOLY COW indeed! Who would have imagined?

How many of you have had the experience of buying a new fridge?

Early on while still dating long distance I had the joy of observing Andrew’s fridge-buying skills!

He identified the need for a new fridge (perhaps with a new vegan boyfriend possibly about to move in?) narrowed it down to two fridges fast, and put the choices to me in Auckland for what I thought. I gave feedback and within a few moments he had purchased it! WOW, I thought, he doesn't muck around!

Andrew also can be quite an early adopter on new things. He, for example, has had 3 different e-bikes already - and started using them when most of us didn’t know they were even a thing!

I, on the other hand, can take quite some time to make a decision on most things and also can take a while to groove into something new. So it may come as no surprise that Andrew decided he wanted me as his partner, pretty much with the same velocity he had of buying a fridge!

For me however I needed more time to decide and to adopt! Fr Richard Rohr is an amazingly wise sage, a Franciscan priest in New Mexico where he heads the Center for Action and Contemplation. I have really learnt a lot from his insights throughout the years. He says that:

“We do not think ourselves into new ways of living, we live ourselves into new ways of thinking.”

And so I took that approach and was able to “Try before I buy” with Andrew! This is of course was VERY different to how I was raised and what is still somewhat ingrained in me as the “right”way!! (On that note, I love the fact that we were married in the Chinese Garden, as my maternal grandfather was born and raised in China, so a little nod to him, although I suspect he may be turning in his grave today!!)

Acceptance of who I am in the context of the faith that I hold, goodbyes to past love, hellos to a new one, sadness and joy! Moving countries, jobs, cities. These have all been in the mix of the last few years of my incredible roller-coaster existence. The biggest joy of course has been how Mr Metcalfe came into my life! Thank the good lord Tinder, Grinder, Bumble were not required!! I want to acknowledge Ri Weal and Mathew Croucher, both not here today, in their inadvertent parts in bringing us together.

Thanks also to each of you in your own BIG and small ways- smiles, hugs, words, listening ears and shared tears – your love and support for ME as life evolved and turned. A special thanks to my sister Nicky and her husband Matt who have been my biggest source of support, and along with their kids have shown me much love and care.

As you will know, the gay community uses the word Pride a lot. I used to wonder why.

Although it can seem to be all about being “loud and proud” and strutting your stuff out there for all to see, it has much deeper roots than that. Pride is the opposite of shame and shame is such a common theme for many in the gay community. For so much of human history shame has ruled. Fear and shame. But LOVE wins where it is allowed to. And I’m so grateful that you are part of that and that we have been able to celebrate this love with you all today!

Finally, Andrew: thanks for your superb transferable fridge buying skills! For loving me, warts and all!! I’m so looking forward to whatever time we have left on this planet together and loving you for the wonderful, caring, wise, loyal man that you are!

I am super PROUD of you and us and now very PROUD to be your husband!


Andrew: 

I told Marty I wasn’t going to make a speech, or if I did it would be impromptu!

Yesterday after a somewhat flawed soup making effort and in the middle of other things that were not quite going right, I thought, maybe I should string some words together…

Vows and declarations on an occasion like this say it all really. I never thought I would be doing something like this today, but am so pleased and proud to have Marty with me… in a much more official way!

You may have noticed a few references to love and fear today. At any major junctures of life, this keeps coming back to me. Love is so important and is all that really matters in the face of so much that tries to frighten and dismay. And love is something that needs to be chosen day by day and hour by hour.

For any who have experienced me sermonizing in the past, you may have heard me speak about a pivotal moment in my life when I was finishing theological training in the mid-1980s. We were doing a class that was exploring some of the riches of Christian spirituality, and the leader of the group I was in took us through a guided meditation that had us imaging God… as a tree. 

She encouraged up to explore and enjoy the tree, to sink deeply into its beauty and tranquility… but I had this terrible image that suddenly assaulted me of this tree being like a huge, overpowering, smothering pine tree. It blocked out the sun, it’s needles covered and smothered everything. It dawned on me that I was being killed by this terrible tree the longer I stayed under it. Not quite where the mediation was meant to go I guess!

As the session went on, we were asked how we wanted to respond to the tree… and I realized there were only two options: let is smother me, or to cut it down. In quite a bit of distress, I decided it was either me or the tree… and I got a metaphorical axe and started to attack it. Eventually, with a shudder and a huge crash, the tree came down. Huge columns of dust and debris came flying up… and I was all alone. I thought “This is it… I’ve killed God. I have no more faith now. It’s finished”.

On reflecting afterwards, I realized my view of God was one of fear and “not being good enough”. I also saw part of this being related to messages I and others gave to me about sexuality: being gay in many Christian circles is still not OK.

But, as the dust settled, and I began to feel the sun and hear the birds… it dawned on me, that this terrible tree wasn’t God. It was what others and I had portrayed God to be: the real God was there all along, waiting to break through when fear was banished and love allowed to shine through.

That’s what today is about today for both of us… but especially me. It’s about love, and how love must always win. Why would any of us want it any other way?

Advent Greetings – 2023

 

Greetings to friends and whānau – family as Advent rolls in and Christmas beckons, another year nearly done and dusted.

Settling in and Moving Around

This year as the impact of the last few years “stay near home” dynamic has eased, we have been able to move around a bit more. We had a great start to the year with a “house swap” with my brother and sister in law (Scott and Liz) which saw us enjoy the delights of Wellington, including catching up with a few friends and ranging as far as the Wairarapa.

We had a bit of a cross over with Scott and Liz when we got back in January, and it was a great opportunity to lay my mother Alison’s ashes to rest, including a new plaque that remembered her and my sister Jenny (who died in 2012)

Not long after this we made the big shift to a new (slightly larger) property literally on the other side of the hill, where we have been gradually settling in as the year has progressed. It was a little hard for me to leave “The Carsonage” and to start again on some of the basics that make a place more liveable (wall insulation, double glazing etc), but we are starting to make some progress. It was great to be able to invite friends and family to a house blessing on March 4, and (in true Andrew style!) a brief video including this and other highlights from the first few months ensued.  

Marty began a job of 0.8 Chaplain at Dunedin Hospital in February and has been juggling this with some restorative justice work. It’s a job that has its various existential challenges, but he has also been doing a part time chaplaincy papers via Otago University, which has been helpful to reflect more deeply on this rather unique role.

Otherwise Bound

In March we enjoyed checking out the Awaken conference in Christchurch (a bi-annual gathering for LGBTQIA+ Christians) and went straight from there to Melbourne for just over a week. Truly a flying visit and a bit of a “speed dating” experience meeting with some of Marty’s friends from when he used to live there, but a great reconnection with life over the ditch.

We have also attempted to take our bikes on a few more excursions (thwarted one time by a puncture, and the next by Covid)… but I guess that’s still life right now. We got to visit Oamaru in full steam punk mode in June, a trip to Wellington and Auckland late October, where we were able to lay Marty’s parent’s ashes to rest and visit a newly completed gravestone for my father, as well as the resting place of my younger brother Carey. 

We’ve been trying to count how many visitors we have had to say at the new place… and its more than 20 people, so the extra space is well used.

Gainfully Employed

Work continues much the same as last year in many ways, with saying goodbye to two little country churches in Balfour and Middlemarch, but also enjoying some welcomes and new beginnings in various places. Our most recent visit was to the little church of St Alban the Martyr in St Bathans – a real joy to see it packed out with people enjoying the first Christmas service for 2023.

I continue to be so grateful for good health (never taken for granted), the love and friendship of Marty and of all those who we have the privilege of having in our lives in some way. In a time of political change (in NZ), of unrest and the brutality of war in other parts of the globe, I continue to be reminded that Love really is the only solution to all that seeks to tear things apart. We are planning to head back towards Scotland, England and Wales in June 2024.

 

I wish all of you the peace, joy and love of Christmas that can follow you into 2024.

Arohanui, Andrew

Hakui Meri Tapu o Owheo, sculpture by Rongomai Tawhiti Parata Taiapa (located in All Saints Church, Dunedin), transposed onto Allans Beach.

 

Good News Bad News (Luke 1: 26-45)

I’m showing my age now, with this reflection that first had an airing roughly 33 years ago and in harking back to a children’s author that I’ve always loved – Roald Dahl. I’ve been a fan since I first discovered his wicked little take offs he did in books like “Revolting Rhymes”. What I especially like about Dahl and this book (with fabulous Quentin Blake illustrations) is the way he takes very familiar stories and re-tells them with a twist. A lot of this involves a bit of a reality check, if you were to look at what would have happened if the events portrayed in the nursery rhyme really had taken place.  

For example, take Goldilocks and the three bears.  Usually when this is told, it’s engineered in such a way that we are on Goldilocks side. Will she get away from those dangerous bears – hurrah, she does! Let’s all cheer and shower her with praise…

What Dahl does is tell the story as it probably really was. He points out that it’s really a tale about a brazen little crook who breaks and enters, steals breakfasts left out to cool, smashes a precious little chair, smothers her dirty feet all over the beds... and then gets off Scot free! Dahl decides that she really deserves a stickier end than that – in his version she becomes the “just desserts” for the hungry bears…

I don’t know about you, but sometimes I think that some of our “faith stories” from the Bible could do with the Roald Dahl treatment. Especially some of the Christmas ones which we’ve heard many times and which can sit slightly awkwardly with our different understandings about how babies come to be and what seeing an angelic host might mean to (for example) a mental health professional. Doing a “Roald Dahl” on them would not only spice them up, but perhaps point out some things that we don’t usually notice.

So, here is the “straight” version of Luke 1: 26-45... and then a Roald Dahl styled alternative.

Luke 1: 26-45 (TEV)

In the sixth month the angel Gabriel was sent by God to a town in Galilee called Nazareth, to a virgin engaged to a man whose name was Joseph, of the house of David. The virgin’s name was Mary. And he came to her and said, ‘Greetings, favoured one! The Lord is with you.’ But she was much perplexed by his words and pondered what sort of greeting this might be. The angel said to her, ‘Do not be afraid, Mary, for you have found favour with God. And now, you will conceive in your womb and bear a son, and you will name him Jesus. He will be great, and will be called the Son of the Most High, and the Lord God will give to him the throne of his ancestor David. He will reign over the house of Jacob for ever, and of his kingdom there will be no end.’ Mary said to the angel, ‘How can this be, since I am a virgin?’ The angel said to her, ‘The Holy Spirit will come upon you, and the power of the Most High will overshadow you; therefore the child to be born will be holy; he will be called Son of God. And now, your relative Elizabeth in her old age has also conceived a son; and this is the sixth month for her who was said to be barren. For nothing will be impossible with God.’ Then Mary said, ‘Here am I, the servant of the Lord; let it be with me according to your word.’ Then the angel departed from her.

 

The Birth Of Jesus Announced (with apologies to Roald Dahl!)

Mused Mary sitting in her room

“What is in store for me when soon

I’ll have a man with all that means:

A life of drudge, domestic scenes”

 

While there she sat, musing her plight,

A shining angel hove in sight.

(Not quite what Mary had in mind –

A vision of the heaven kind!)

 

With golden voice so strong and clear

He said “Hail! You’re blest my dear!”

 

“Hail?” thought Mary, “He’s off his rocker –

It’s not raining  - but heck and bother,

What could he mean to call me ‘blest’

What has he seen that I have missed?”

 

“Don’t fear” said Angel, “Good news I bring

For you a baby – a little king.

The Son of God this child’s to be

His kingdom’s for eternity!”

 

Now Mary wasn’t at all slow

She sat and thought and said “I know

I’m not your high sophisticate,

But look here buddy, listen mate,

Despite those fancy words you say

I wasn’t born just yesterday!

You can’t have babies on your own

I’m unattached, still home alone!”

 

Said angel with a cheery grin

“There’s a secret -  I’ll let you in:

this child is not your average type

from parents who have got it right.

He’ll come on board when all Gods power

Will rest on you this very hour.

He’ll be God’s own and yours as well –

He’ll have the name ‘Immanuel’!

Your relly Liz is pregnant too…

There’s nothing that God cannot do!”

 

Well, what would you do if in the night

A mighty angel hove in sight

And dumps on you dilemma, pain…

A baby that you can’t explain?

Who will believe her, who will hear..

They’ll run her out of town, no fear!

 

But Mary – young and poor, alone

Says words that made herself at home

In God’s own heart – and ours as well

Listen as they weave their spell:

 

“I’m God’s servant” – her voice was clear

No trace of any selfish fear.

“Let God do it as he says

I’ll follow God for all my days”.

 

A more “liberal” interpretation of this sort of story would be to pooh-pooh it. Babies from thin air – that’s a likely one! It’s just a story that tries to turn an illegitimate, embarrassing birth into something much holier and mysterious.

 

I don’t want to take that kind of tack but instead take the approach of theologian Roald Dahl.

 

Mary doesn’t have to be the remote “plaster saint” that we’ve often grown up with. She is a very plucky young lady whose bravery could put a lot of us to shame.

 

If truth be known, she was probably around the age of 13, a poor, probably illiterate peasant girl who was regarded as a kind on “non-person” in the culture of the day – someone who was the property of men, of her father first before being passed on to a husband.

 

What this story does is show a special messenger from God making a beeline for her. Quite unheard of for a supposed “non-person”. God is saying to someone like Mary “I’ve got a special task for you!”

 

The other thing it does is show a very different reaction from Mary, a woman, than you get from a man earlier on. When her cousin’s husband Zechariah sees the angel - as reported in verse 8 – he’s petrified! Scared witless! You don’t get a sense of this from Mary.

 

Then, when explanations are attempted for Zechariah, all he wants is a sign, a miracle, before he’ll believe what he’s being told.

 

Mary shows much more poise. Her response is one of faith – even for this pretty tricky situation that has been thrust upon her, with its “Good news” being potentially “Bad News”. When she said, “may it happen as you said”, she immediately put her life at risk. An illegitimate baby meant that she couldn’t expect any man to marry her anymore – and her only probable source of future income would be life of prostitution.

 

In a strange sort of way, Mary is a very liberated person.

 

She’s liberated from the strictures of a society that said women were not of worth – this simple village girl is part of God’s bigger picture for bringing Christ into the world!

 

She’s liberated from the expectations that say God only works through middle-class middle-age males – God has business with old and young, educated and illiterate – anyone who will open themselves to the transforming power of God’s love.

 

Somehow she was able to turn a potentially dangerous, bad news scenario around into the good news it was meant to be.

 

Maybe one of the messages for us again this Christmas is that God is still able to work through the most unexpected and surprising people – there’s nothing that God cannot do, even through ordinary people like you or me! And maybe, like Mary, we might have trouble explaining what is really going on…     

 

Amen.